bornconfused's Blog

I wish RIP meant return if possible!

On the 21st February 2012 I lost the most precious person I have ever had in my life. My uncle stepped up and gave me what my dad didn't give. He gave me love, shared his passions with me, and always had that hug that said everything will be OK.

When he died my whole world went down under, It felt like my life had no meaning anymore, like I was in a middle of a bridge ready to jump and yet no-one was seeing. He died in his favorite place in our beach and i believe there was no better place for my uncle to die because on that day some part of me died too. we both had died where we were most happy and had shared the best experiences of my life.

All I did was cry for days without end, all i could think was why had god taken such a good man not only that why had god taken the only person who has been there for me from day 1, the only person who had always reacted and looked at me like i was his little girl no matter what i had done.

I started questioning everything... Why are we here? Why am i here? What could possibly be waiting for me? Does life mean anything now?

I couldn't give a smile to no-one or anything my life had crushed i had lost all motivation and the will to live... I put the blade on my arm and relieved all the pain and anger that i felt, and did it over and over again until putting my blade on my arm was a numb feeling, i couldn't feel anything anymore and wondered whether i would be able to feel anything again.

I didn't want to go to college i felt like i didn't want to do anything and it angered me seeing everyone happy when i was so destroyed on the inside and couldn't bear all the questions and even though i knew they were only trying to support me but giving sympathy at times like that seems sarcastic and not necessary.
Moments got harder at times like when i graduated, all i wanted to do was call him and tell him so i could hear him say he was proud of him, on his birthday i couldn't give him a call or buy him a present and most importantly i wasn't able to received that all important and comforting hug.

Christmas was the big challenge for me. It felt wrong me celebrating at time where its meant to be about family and the person it mattered the most wasn't there to celebrate it with me and therefore i chose to not celebrate it.

We are now in 2013 and the pain of his loss still affects me everyday. Whats the difference? Time has taught me that i shouldn't be crying about his death, he was a great man someone who had always a smile in his face, loved to live and help everyone and instead of crying for his death i learnt that i should be embracing and sherish his living, remembering our happy memories and the values he taught me. By doing that thinking of him becomes easier and a happier memory. Forget him? That will never happen i am who i am thanks to him and he will always have a special place in my heart.

I hope that he is in a better place guiding me through the hard time and celebrating my good times. And no matter what i hope everything i am doing is making him proud of the person i am today. Uncle i hope that whatever you are you are not regretting never giving up on me.

You were my dad and no-one will ever take that away... You are my hero and will always be, i love you deeply and always will.


Trust is a funny subject to me because my idea of trust can be tottally different from someone else's idea of what trust is and maybe that's why there's a lot of broken trust between people.

Trust to me is based on being real to the other person, not do anything that may hurt them or put them down to make yourself feel better, not going behind someone's back. But being all this isn't easy and i'm far from having all this qualities but i try everyday to get better and be better. There's a quote that i love which is ' Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken but you can still see the crack in the reflection'. It's true if someone hurts you and brakes your trust even if you wanna forgive that person or even if you do forgive them it's never the same because the trust isn't there anymore.

I don't know why i chose this subject i guess i am hurt because someone broke the trust we had, the sad thing is that i actually believed we were grate mates and told this person stuff that i never told anyone.

When do we actually know someone? Do we ever get to know people fully?

the answer to this questions? I don't have it but if someone does please be my guest i would love to figure those one's out. All there is left to do is move on and realise that's the way life goes and at some point we all get hurt one way or another we just have to learn how do we go from there and how we can move on and learn to trust people again!


Why is silence so loud? Why is silence something everyone runs away from? Maybe it's because like p!nk says the silence speaks the truth and sometimes the truth is something we can't handle. Which is why i myself run away from it, if i'm by myself i keep myself busy doing anything i can find so i don't have to sit down and actually see how messed up my life is and how i am the one making it this miserable. My worst fear is becoming one of those people who have the need to control everyting but the truth i am in fact becoming one of them, and don't know how to stop because i don't want to sit in the silence and listen!!!

lost of a loved one

When you lose someone you trully love it feels like the ground sweeps off your feet, like nothing else matters, like everything has no meaning after all. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do and we tend to do it with a smile on our faces pretending that we are strong and that our life will go on with no scars. But it doesn't work that way sometimes a little bit of ourselves dies along with that person you feel empty, lonely. I found out that it's best to express ourselves instead of keeping it locked inside as it eats you from the inside out and instead of feeling better you feel even more lonely. Writting was the way i found to griefe and it was the best thing that could've happened to me finding my joy in writting and how it keeps me sane. Wish everyone would express themselves we would be a lot happier and open. By sharing stories and how we feel we find out that a lot people went or are going through the same that we are and it makes you feel less lonely and a bit easier to cope!

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Previous Posts
I wish RIP meant return if possible!, posted November 20th, 2013
Trust, posted November 5th, 2012
Silence, posted November 2nd, 2012
lost of a loved one, posted October 31st, 2012

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